“Mom, Dad, I’m gender-queer”
No matter what your beliefs are, it can come as shock when your child comes out to you. It is quite normal to experience a wave of emotions—ranging from joy that your child is opening up to you, to fear about what this means for your child’s future. There is no right or wrong feeling to have in the moment; it is different for every individual and every family depending on your beliefs and values. And yet, the way you respond to this disclosure has the power to dramatically impact your child’s mental health.
As a parent, you play a crucial role in supporting your teenager's journey of self-discovery, especially when it comes to their gender identity and sexuality. Adolescence is a time of immense change and exploration, and understanding these aspects of your teenager's life can foster an environment of acceptance, love, and open communication. I have worked with many families with a variety of backgrounds, and my clinical experience and familiarity with research-based best practices allow me to be able to offer some insights and guidance on navigating these complex and often emotional conversations.
As always, let’s start by defining some terms. So, what is gender identity?
Gender identity is an individual's deeply held sense of being male, female, or something else entirely, (you may hear the terms “non-binary” or “gender-queer,”), which may or may not align with the sex assigned at birth. It's essential to recognize that gender identity exists on a spectrum and can be fluid. It's not uncommon for teenagers to question and explore their gender identity during their adolescent years. For older generations, exploring gender identity looked like women wearing pants, or men wearing skinny jeans. It is important to remember that every generation has explored with gender expression (the way individuals display their experience of gender); this isn’t a new fad. Encourage open conversations with your teenager and provide a safe space for them to express themselves authentically. Research suggests that respecting their self-identified gender and using their requested pronouns demonstrates your support, and is shown to reduce risk of depression, anxiety, and suicide.
And then we have something different entirely: sexual orientation.
Sexual orientation refers to an individual's enduring pattern of romantic or sexual attraction. Adolescence is a time when teens begin to explore and understand their sexual orientation, which may be heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, or any other orientation. It is crucial to create an atmosphere of acceptance and respect, allowing your teenager to explore their feelings and attractions without fear of judgment or rejection. This allows our teens to talk to us when they make mistakes, have fears, and need advice, rather than shutting down and trying to figure it out on their own. Communicating your support and acceptance of them helps them to know that their sexual orientation does not determine their worth as a person. Whether their sexual orientation remains consistent or it changes, following their lead regarding their sexual orientation allows your relationship with them to continue to deepen as they age.
Regardless of how our kids identify, there are a few important points that can help us navigate this period of identity development with our teens.
Communication is key:
Open and honest communication is the cornerstone of a healthy parent-teen relationship. Initiate conversations about gender and sexuality, demonstrating your willingness to listen and understand. Create a judgment-free zone where your teenager feels comfortable discussing their thoughts, feelings, and experiences. Remember, your role is not to provide immediate solutions or answers but rather to offer empathy, understanding, and guidance. Listen actively, validate their emotions, and provide support in their journey of self-discovery.
2. Seek professional support:
If you feel overwhelmed or uncertain about how to navigate these conversations, consider seeking guidance from a professional therapist who specializes in adolescent gender and sexuality. A therapist can provide a neutral and supportive space for both you and your teenager to explore these topics further. They can offer insights, strategies, and resources tailored to your unique situation, helping you navigate any challenges that may arise along the way. Some parents express feeling grief, or going through a period of mourning. Some struggle with their child’s disclosure in light of their religious beliefs or personal values. While our job as parents is to support and guide our children, it doesn’t mean that we don’t sometimes need our own support and guidance, too.
3. Advocate for an inclusive environment:
Encourage your teenager's school and community to create inclusive and affirming environments that respect and celebrate diversity. Work with educators and administrators to implement policies that protect LGBTQ+ students from discrimination and bullying. Participate in parent-teacher associations or community organizations that promote education and awareness about gender and sexuality. By advocating for inclusivity, you are fostering a supportive environment for your teenager and others like them.
As parents, we have the incredible opportunity to support and guide our teenagers as they navigate their journey of self-discovery. Understanding and embracing their gender identity and sexual orientation is a crucial aspect of their development. By fostering open communication, seeking professional support when needed, and advocating for inclusivity, we can create a nurturing environment that allows our teens to thrive authentically, and to deepen their ability to trust us and communicate openly. Remember, your love and acceptance are invaluable, and by being an ally, you are making a positive difference in your teenager's life.